Place In This World - Part Two

As I sat down to finally start blogging again, I decided to take a look back at my last post to see where I left off.  I realize it's been one day shy of 7 YEARS since I've last written to you.  Oh wow. I just cried a little bit.  How is it possible that I survived the last 7 years without writing to you?  I guess you could say that most of the writings over the last seven years have been in my heart and on my mind.  Christ has carried me through on a journey that I don't fully understand, and I may never will.  I come back here today to confess that I'm still looking for "My Place in This World".  Only in a new way as a new chapter is unfolding.  I will not be sharing it all with you this evening, but I am healing.  One of the ways I heal is through writing.  I know that I'm not the only one hurting these days so rest assured I will always write with caution and consideration for others involved, but I am here to share my pain, my suffering, my wins, my losses the joys and sorrows of the last few years, and ultimately share how the Lord has paved away and gone before me on this journey I call life.

Not everyone knows this yet, but I've been through hell and back the last few years with loss after loss, and sometimes feel like I've been living a lie. For nearly a decade, I kept it together (well sort of), everything looked good on the outside but I was dying every day on the inside.  Hiding, grieving, wondering, wishing, feeling all kinds of emotions.  I don't know how many nights of sleep I lost. I was up wondering and praying what would come of this life that I know.  How will I survive?  Is this truly what the Lord had in mind for me?  I was able to push the pain away from time to time over the years, but I had this longing, aching, confusion, and deep misunderstanding that never would subside.  I just assumed that this is the way life was to be.  I just needed to suck it up, put on my big girl "happy Christian wife & mom" panties, show up, and be the happy, blessed, altogether, perfect, super wife and mom that everyone thought I was.

As I begin once again to put pen to paper as one might say, I am reminded why I write. I write because I'm called to.  I'm good at it.  I want to share my heart and soul with you.  I want you to know that I've been there.  I've done that.  I want to hold your hand and help you get stronger.  I want to grieve with you, hug you, believe in you, help you and pray for you.  I believe without a doubt that I am on this Earth to share my journey with you.  I've been through what I've been through so I can help others.  As much as I don't enjoy the mess I'm in...I'm thankful that I'm the one going through this and not you.   In the end, Christ (no matter how hard the sanctification process is for me) will get the glory.

The biggest lesson I've learned these past few years is to ask Christ what His will is for me...daily.  Not what is His will for me long-term or what does He want me to do next week?  Simply to follow him DAILY.  I am to 100% follow His leading and calling in my life and step out in faith trusting Him and trusting that He will provide my every need.   Over this past year, I've had to dig very, very, deep in my soul and ask lots of questions.  I've prayed, and prayed, and wrestled, and believed. I've trusted and prayed more. I've spent hours and hours with counselors and pastors seeking council. I've doubted, and believed and doubted more.  I had to make some tough decisions and put up some hard boundaries in my life.  

All of this (as hard as it was) was going on during the great pandemic of 2020.  I ended up schooling the kids from AR for 3 months, attending zoom counseling sessions by night, all the while trying to live a somewhat normal life over 800 miles from home.  I learned so much about who I was, who my kids were, and oddly enough began to find joy again.  I began listening more, caring more, asking more questions.  My heart had been hurting for so long...I needed that break for so many reasons.  I needed to be home.  I needed my family and friends from childhood.  When we left to head back to NC from AR in June of 2020 I knew that the Lord had begun ever so slightly a sturring in my heart that I would be returning to AR for good.  My journey back home is a very long and heartbreakingly beautiful story..but it's for another day.

Misty